Dirges in the Dark

Dear Monica,

I hope you’re doing alright, baby girl. You’re likely faring better than we are, I believe. These past few weeks have been rather somber. You always had a knack for providing comfort in a way no one else could, and I find myself in need of that now. Maybe a warm hug? I haven’t had a good cry in a long while.

Friday 15/03/2023

When I woke up this morning, I had only three things to worry about. One, do I really need to get out of this bed and get breakfast? The answer to that was yes-I was very hungry. Two, should I navigate the complexities of being a woman in my next life? The answer was no. I have decided I want to be a tree-a Redwood. Period cramps for who? Three: Which brand of chocolate should I buy? Well, I haven’t made a decision on this yet.

It is amazing how quickly things change.

My grandmother died this morning. When I received the call, I did not know how to react. I was in an emotional tug of war. On one hand, she is my mom’s mom, and it is sad when a relative passes. On the other hand, I hardly knew her. In my adult life, I have only seen her twice. I was always jealous when my friends told me stories about their grandmothers- knowing that I did not have that kind of relationship. When I see memes of how grandparents are close to their grandchildren, even more than their own children, I feel sad and sorry for myself. My experiences are tinged with a sense of longing and missed opportunities. The realization that I would never have the chance to cultivate a meaningful bond with either of my grandmothers weighs heavily on my heart. Right now though, I am more worried about my mother. She and her mom were very close. That mother-and-daughter duo was inseparable. I cannot begin to imagine what my mom must be going through right now. I can only empathize with the profound grief and solitude she must be experiencing.

Wednesday 27/03/2024

I usually say, you should go to the Kisii Hills at least once in your lifetime. You will not want to leave. Trips to the hills are usually very exciting. This time round though, it was filled with dread. I almost rained got on, the waiting area was unusually cold- it chilled me to the bone, and the bus was four hours late. It almost felt like Nairobi was holding on to me, or grieving with me. Or both?

Seeing my mom after months was a shock. And let me tell you, grief is a bad thing. In the two weeks since we had seen each other on video, she had lost so much weight, she could barely stand, let alone walk. We have made it our mission, to nurse her back to health. Every hour on the hour, someone is there to feed her. I think she likes the fact that we are all here. And there are people to dote on her. Long periods of solitude are not good for your health.

Friday 29/03/2024

My grandma was laid to rest today, in a ceremony befitting an empress that she was. The last time I saw her a few months ago, she told me she had been waiting for me for a very long time. She even sang a little… despite her frail lungs. She had been sick for a while, and when we found out she had cancer, we all felt sorrow. My uncle tells me that even in her last moments, she wore a serene smile and a grateful heart. At 70, she left behind a legacy of 6 children and 16 grand children.

The journey back home feels shorter. We are all so tired, moreso my mom. But, she has come to terms with the fact that Grammy is gone. She smiled for the first time since I saw her on Wednesday night. She even ate. We caught up, my dad the comic relief made us laugh. It was nice. We hadn’t been together like this in a while. As I lie down, I can hear River Gucha rushing in the background, and it brings me a sense of peace.

It just started raining, my eyes are droopy. It’s lights out.

Saturday 30/03/2024

I woke up late. 10 am. You remember sleeping is one of my favorite things to do? Good things happen in the dark too. If you catch my drift. (Wink wink)

My siblings and I decided to explore the river. The waters are murky, it rained the whole night. My brother, started calling me shawty for the city, when I suggested we rest by the river. I was quick to remind him I have been here before. That I was born here. He stopped teasing me.

There is some comfort that comes with watching the river meander through, singing the only way it can. You can rely on this river to do that. As I sit on the rocks and dip my feet in, I feel relieved and relaxed. The weight is finally becoming lighter. I am glad I came.

Mom just called, we are finally having Godfrey, the chicken, for dinner. Good, since he bullied me, when I got here on Wednesday.

This is my final entry, but I will come visit you soon. I have sooo much to tell you. I will bring your favorite wine. For now, you and Grammy can keep each other company. Her name is Agnes. She reminds me so much of you. You will love her, I promise. Take care of each other, will you?

Hugs

Sincerely, Your Avivar.