My decision to come to Lamu was an impromptu one, much like everything I have been doing this year. Let me tell you why impromptu is a rare word for me. I am a planner and everything I do is after careful consideration and to utmost precision. Except for my period, it comes when it wants, and I made my peace with that a long time ago. In case you haven’t figured out by all that talk about planning, I am a control freak. I will say – ish, because there are other unique times I just go with the flow. I think we all are at some point.
This has been a really crappy year for me. I honestly can wait for it to end. It is also the year that I haven’t done much of the things that make me happy. Like writing, watching as many sunsets as, I had said I would in my new year resolutions, I haven’t spent that much time with friends, mostly alone, I have been sick and held at knife point. I almost died. It was traumatic, and I think I haven’t made terms with it yet.
Instead, I have done things that I absolutely abhore. I have tried to be a perfect daughter and sister. When I said family can be toxic, I was talking from experience. Trying to be what I am not, was a disaster and I ended up hurt. I forgot the advice I often give to people, that the imperfections are what makes us who we are. A classic case of preaching water and drinking wine. By trying to be what I am not, I betrayed myself and went opposite everything that I stand for.
I have been in my head, saying what ifs and what-nots, trying to do something to better myself only for it to backfire in my face. It is also the year that I lost faith, faith in God, lost faith in the people around me and mostly, I lost faith in myself. I cant pinpoint where exactly things started going down hill, but I can say how this year had made me feel. Sad, depressed, a fake and alone. I think the only thing I haven’t been worried about is being the perfect friend. My friends didn’t expect that of me, no matter how often we never saw each other. It made things a little better and easier.
Monique is always telling me that I need to get out, that I need to think about myself for a change. But how do you do that, when your whole existence has been to please someone else? How do you become selfish? Is there like a school for that? She said, just go and when you come back, we will be here. Everything and everyone you will leave behind will be here when you get back. It is called self love.
Self love. I think I like that word. And just like that I left Nairobi, armed with determination, my luggage and a teaspoon of self love. Two buses and two boat rides later, I arrived in Lamu. It was the longest journey ever, but the only thing thing that was running in my mind, was, this is self love.
Hello Lamu!
