I have said, “I want to be a tree in my next life” several times in the past few months I have been a humanitarian. When I do, people laugh. They think I am just making conversation, or trying to be funny, but I am as serious as a period cramp. I do not want to come back as a human being, let alone be a woman in my next life. So, I have decided, I want to be a Redwood, and I am not budging on this one. I am manifesting and very determined, to be a Redwood. Why a Redwood, you ask? Well, I am ambitious, so I figured, if I was going to ditch humanity, I might as well aim high and go for the giants of Kingdom Plantae.
Navigating life as a human being is challenging; and being a woman, well, that’s the hardest bit of all. I say this from a position of privilege—not wealth, but the privilege of being educated, growing up in a good home and having access to opportunities that many women do not have- like doing what I love and being independent and financially free. Despite this, I still find it difficult to navigate this world. I would try Pluto, but it was demoted as a planet, so my options are limited. I wish men understood how challenging it is, but unfortunately, most can’t truly relate. This leaves us- men and women in a constant battle of the sexes, always comparing our struggles with each other. We are quite literally frenemies. But I believe we can’t live without each other, though we often pretend we can, perhaps to comfort ourselves. What if we woke up one morning and found only women or men are left on the planet? Would we feel happy, sad, relieved, or safe? I don’t know, honestly. I am not sure I would like such a world. As Maya Angelou aptly put it, there is a beauty and strength in diversity.
My sentiment about wanting to be a tree usually comes up in conversations on Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG). You grow up as a woman and you realize being one is a dangerous business. Being too free, even more so-and this is from experience. Ask any woman out there, and they will tell you they have experienced violence in one way or another, whether physical, sexual, verbal, psychological, economic, or harassment. Some have experienced all of the above. It is sad and fills me with rage. A peaceful existence for most of us is a far-fetched dream.
Violence against women is deeply rooted in many cultures worldwide, occurring every hour, every day. Yet, it is often dismissed as a cultural norm rather than recognized as a serious issue. People are more inclined to say, “We have been doing this for years; it’s our culture,” rather than question, “This practice is harmful; how do we stop it?” I find it hypocritical that we often have to remind most men that this could be their sister, mother, or daughter to make them understand the severity of VAWG. I am attending a workshop, and in one of the sessions, one of our protection colleagues was narrating cases, where Beading, Female Genital Mutilation and Early Marriages are severely intertwined in some cultures like the Samburu. I have never wanted to be a tree so badly.
In the beading tradition, the Samburu, one of the pastoralist communities in Kenya, the young men/ youths” Morans” are allowed to engage in temporary pre-marital relationships with very young girls from their clan, who have been beaded with the family’s approval. This practice “prepares” both girls and boys for future marriage but prohibits the girls from conceiving out of the sexual act. With no use of protection nor family planning, pregnancies occur and the result is forced abortions and to the extreme infanticide as surviving babies are termed as outcasts. The lucky ones are given to other tribes -like the Turkana for marriage and most often as second or third wives or married off to an old widower. The beading tradition subjects young girls to lifetime physical, mental, and sexual violence/ trauma. On the reverse, the men when ready to marry would prefer a virgin girl, who will be picked for him and disregard the other girls who were considered as “test runs.”
All the while, when she was narrating this, I was boiling inside, and since my face has subtitles even when I am not speaking, you could see it morph from shock, and sadness to lava-like rage.
We live in a patriarchal world, and in some communities in Kenya, your worth will depend on how you have kept yourself, and how naive you are. In the very severe cases, if you were “sheltered in the ways of the world”-conservative, you fetch more dowry. “Kama wewe ni kiherehere” ,if a girl is perceived as too knowledgeable or outspoken, she might undergo a severe form of FGM if she is from where FGM is practiced. Some manage to escape the cut, but for those who are not lucky enough and remain, violence is perpetrated against them, by their fellow women at the command of the men, highlighting the insistent imbalance of power. Sadly, women are the ones who circumcise the girls- no girl goes through FGM by a male. We/women rarely acknowledge that we also are perpetrators of violence, because if we do, then the question emerges, as to why we allow it to continue- from grandmother to mother to daughter. Acknowledging violence is shameful. FGM is rarely done in the open. Deep down, we know what is right and what is wrong- that if something is shameful and hidden, then it shouldn’t be done at all.
While some of these cultures and traditions might not be unique to Samburu, other regions practice various forms of oppressive harmful traditions. For example, in some parts of western Kenya incest is still rampant and against small girls. Just like in Samburu, the girls are expected to not get pregnant, and if they do, the child born out of such circumstances should be killed or ostracized from the community. In some sections of Taita-in the Coast of Kenya, although fading, any girl who bore a child out of wedlock was expected to not marry a Taita man or get married completely. The lucky ones would have a house built for them in their fathers’ home but face a lifetime of discrimination and stigma together with their children. The others would get married but to non-Taita men and that would not be treated as a prideful marriage. There are places in Kikuyu and Embu-Central Kenya where FGM is being practiced, women who fail to undergo FGM as girls are timed during delivery and the cut is done then. In the Kuria community where girls don’t have a say, FGM must be done.
Change can happen. Unlearning and re-learning are possible. We have seen it happen. A significant number of tribes or communities have made strides in preventing or reducing such acts although complete eradication is yet to be achieved. For example, in the Kisii culture in Nyanza where I am from, there has been remarkable change and progress toward eradicating FGM in the last 30 years. We have seen the power of advocacy and the rule of law. Progress is slow though, and we are not unlearning and relearning quickly enough. Meanwhile, more girls and women continue to suffer.
So, the question still remains, privileged or not, I’m I really free? I can be beaten at home if my husband finds me annoying. This is by an intimate partner who should protect me because ndoa ni kuvumiliana-Marriage is tolerance. I carry pepper spray for protection when I walk at night or avoid walking at night altogether. I should make sure I am not the only woman in a matatu. If I wear a pair of shorts, I can be cat-called, because I was asking for it. I should undergo FGM because I am a sexual being. Otherwise, I might stray. If I am not a wife, have children, or divorced, I am less valued. I must be submissive in my relationships otherwise I am not a wife material and should be subdued. I have crazy periods, which I can’t stop because it’s a natural process but my government will raise taxes on menstrual hygiene products. I am doomed, from the moment the doctor declares me a girl, so why would I want a do-over?
A special thank you to EO for her invaluable insights. 💪
